Friday, July 22, 2011
"I don't like myself"
*Image from here.
"I don't like myself."
That was the answer I blurted out seconds after my psychologist asked why I thought I was there, seeing her.
I had rehearsed what I would speak to her about many times before our first session.
I repeated it over and over in the car on my way to her office.
I would talk about my battle with depression, how I felt like I was struggling as a mother and how being in a near constant state of anxiety had left me frazzled and overwhelmed.
This admission about not liking myself took me by complete and utter surprise.
Even now, 2 months on and I still have no idea from what depths of my sub-conscience that revelation came from.
Hearing the words outloud though made me stop, really stop and listen to myself.
Do I really feel that way about myself?
And if I do, how long have I been feeling this way for?
WHY HAVEN'T I ACKNOWLEDGED THIS?
I don't know if perhaps I felt like I was too busy or it didn't matter or if I just plain didn't want to face up to facts - But I have now, and the time is now to address this.
So I've sat down and written a list, reflecting and trying to find the cause of this self loathing.
There have always been things about myself that I haven't liked and things I've done that I'm not proud of but nothing really stood out to me.
Nothing screamed out "HERE IS THE CAUSE!"
There was the usual issue with weight, a few references to my slightly promiscuous ways of old, toxic relationships/friendships and then ...
... then it hit me.
Motherhood knocked me for six.
It changed me in ways that I am eternally grateful for. My daughter is my salvation.
But it also changed me in ways that I struggled with, and sometimes still struggle with.
I sometimes miss my old life. The freedom, the selfishness, the ability to do whatever, whoever, whenever.
Pre-Mama Holly, for the most part, has been left in the wayside.
Apart from being mum, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.
Even at work and uni, I still feel like I am The Bug and The Boy's mum, and not Holly.
Being a mother is foremost but it is not absolute, it is not all I am.
I think remembering this and sometimes asserting this may be the first step to liking myself once more?
All I know is that I need to get a hold of shit now. If not for myself, then for my babies. I need to be a good role model for them. Especially for my daughter, because being female can be tricky enough without the added stress of questioning why you are the way you are!
Do you ever feel this way? Have you overcome these feelings? How? Hold me and tell me it's easy to learn to love yourself at 24?