Some days, I wonder if we should have to obtain licences to mother.
You know, take some classes in common sense, bed making, washing, and how not to lose your shit after watching the same ep of Dora for the 110th time.
Most days, I'm pretty confident that I would pass such tests and be awarded a licence to mother.
Other days, I'm not so sure.
And then there's the days where I just want one of these bastards to make it through the day -
This week, it has been on of those Gimme-a-Cafe-Mocha-Vodka-Valium-Latte-To-Go kinda weeks.
In the interests of making you feel like a better mother, y'know by comparison, I intend to share with you the top 8 reasons why I would have lost my licence to mother this week - or at least lost a few demerit points!
I am totally badass like that.
1. There is always at least one bogan in the Big W Christmas Layby line. Yes, I was that bogan on Tuesday, squorking "Put that down", "Stop kicking your sister" and "Right, if I have to tell you again then Christmas is cancelled!"
2. My kids have woken up 90 mins before I did both yesterday and today. I'm blaming this damn cold/flu/whatever the hell vermin I'm carrying but really, I could just be incredibly lazy and wanting to continue my affair with my electric blanket into the day.
3. Despite preparing nutritious, homemade dinners every day this week, my children have preferred, and I have let them, to eat only rice and corn. White rice nonetheless. Coincidently, rice and corn is exactly what they feed to my Ma's chickens every Tuesday morning after having a sleepover there. Dear sweet lord.
4. I may have actually mumbled "Go the fuck to sleep" last night at bedtime instead of just screaming it in my head.
5. There are hardly any clean clothes. Too. sick. to. wash. Well, at least I think I am? I haven't really tried to be honest. The flesh is just not willing!
6. I ate the Freddos that I bought as a
7. I didn't even flinch when the Boy wailed when I dropped him off into the waiting arms of his lovely preschool teacher on Monday. I hightailed it out of there, to be honest. Don't fret though because he stopped before the front gate could even whack my ass on the way out!
8. It is 11:37am and we are still in our pyjamas.
Have you lost any demerit points on your licence to mother this week?
Sit down and tell me, I'll pour you a vodka x