|Image from here.|
Allow me to channel a little bit of Salt N Pepa here - Let's talk about sex baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.
There was once a time where all we did was boink. Those days were fun, well except for that summer where your room didn't have air con or even a goddamn fan. That was not so fun. The time your Mum found all those scratches on your back was pretty awkward too but hey, the priority was to live it up and live it up we did.
These days, the priorities have changed. Apparently motherhood will do that to a person. It's not that I don't like sex anymore, it's that there are a million other fucking things that command my attention while you are sitting there, talking about how sex will put me in a better mood.
While you are hounding me for sex, here is a quick list of what I could be doing
- Bathing children
- Cooking dinner
- Washing up
- Cleaning out the kitty litter
- Making the beds
- Folding and putting away the washing
- Packing up the toy bombsite that is my loungeroom
- Scrubbing the toilet, thanks to yourself and the Bug. Seriously, work on that aim for me.
And baby, these are just a few of my daily duties.
While I'm here, I'd also like to dispel a few myths for you.
- Sex will not make my hormone-induced headache go away.
- Sex will not make that pimple on my chin disappear.
- Sex will not ensure the children will sleep through the night.
- You do not have to have sex daily to ensure your penis is in working order.
- You will not DIE if you do not have sex tonight.
- You know your friend, the married one with 2 kids, that tells you that he is having sex every night? C'mon, everyone has a mate like that. That mate is a fucking LIAR. The only sex he's getting every night is with his hand, in the shower.
For future reference, here are a few pointers for you also;
- Do not pout after I knock back your smooth moves. A dropped lip and a whingy or worse, argumentative tone makes me more determined to not put out.
- Hit me up for lovin' after 11pm at your own risk. I am generally tired and bitchy and over it by this time so do not act surprised when I deliver a sharp kick to your jewels. OK?
- No actually means no in wife-land. It does not mean "I just need a little more convincing" or "I'm playing hard to get", nor does it mean "Grab me on the bum and that no will turn into a yes" or "Today is opposites day, baby!"
In case you've forgotten as well, pregnancy around here is known as the dry season. Drought. Sex-free zone. Vagina becomes an exit, not an entry. Since this is my third pregnancy now, I feel no sympathy for you because you know the game, sport! I am battling nausea, tiredness, frequent headaches and backaches - Could you blame me for not feeling turned on?
Just quietly though, if you want to try and turn me on then how about YOU USE SOME OF THAT EXCESS ENERGY THAT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY BURSTING WITH AND HELP ME OUT AROUND THE HOUSE? Goddamn.
At the end of the day sweetness, life isn't that bad. I mean, I'm pregnant with our third child so the whole world knows you've had sex at least three times in your life. What are you complaining for?
Love and all that shit,
Your pregnant and not amused wife x