So WHY is it there still a plethora of funny, gross and allround scary shit that we still end up having to find out for ourselves when we're pregnant?
I put a call out on Facebook and Twitter earlier today to see what sorts of stuff others Mums found out and coupled with a few of my own experiences, here is what I discovered;
- You will not actually look like this pregnant and spend your time, frolicking half naked in the field like some hot mess pregnant goddess. I am most disappointed.
- Big, bulging boobs. Holy shit. In 40 year old Virgin, Steve Carrell says 'You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.' This is most apt description I can think of for pregnancy boobs. Big, wet bags of sand that you wish you could take off with your bra every night!
- Heartburn. All. Night. Long. - Sawhole, from Madam Bipolar
- That you should probably consider your baby to be an inmate, roughly protesting his/her time in lockup by bouncing on your bladder like a trampoline and kicking the shit out of you from the inside.
- Acidic discharge. Yum! - Stacey, from Veggie Mama.
- A baby headbutting your pelvic floor feels akin to 'sticking a bamboo skewer up your pee hole' - Holly from Memoirs of a Modern Day Mumma.
- Varicose veins. During pregnancy. In your hoohaa. Yeah, it happens - Sarah, via Facebook.
- At some stage around your due date some idiot will say 'Haven't you had bub yet?' Wow. Stupid. If I'm smuggling a basketball shape under my shirt and don't have an infant with me, CLEARLY, I haven't! - Tara from Our Whirlwind Adventures.
- Babies don't sleep at night on the inside just because you want to, so chances are while your partner is happily snoring his head off, you're going to be kept awake by a womb raider with moves like Jagger - Tara from Our Whirlwind Adventures.
- That despite what all the books and websites tell you about heightened sensitivity, etc, etc, pregnancy is not erotic. Not even slightly. Come on! Am I the only one that was bitterly disappointed by this empty promise!? - Kylie, via Facebook.
- You leak from EVERYWHERE. Prepare to be damp for the next year. - Miss Pink from The Mummy Autobiography.
- Pregnancy insomnia is nature's way of easing you into sleep deprivation. Yeah, thanks for that nature. I get SO excited when I can't sleep at 3am and have to watch Justin fucking Bieber infomercials!
- The inability to shave due to visual restrictions. - Mel, via Facebook.
- That Percocet (Panadol for us, Aussies!) can constipate you...I found out AFTER delivery and after going home, that would have been nice to know before. Ouch! - Ali, from My Suitcase Full of Tricks
- That every pregnancy is different! - Nicole, from Highlights to Housework.
- Hemorrhoids! I once bought & ate an entire ice cream cake after finally getting a medicated suppository inserted! Horrific! - Katie, from Hems For Her.
- Achy Breaky Pelvis, aka; Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD). It's painful and you walk like you've been whacked up the butt with an axe!
- That you could become addicted to the smell of the finished dishwasher (and the lemon deodoriser thingy). I would fight you for the job when I was pregnant! - Karen, from Chromama
- You can eat 4 trays of ice cubes a day (minimum) for 6 months straight and not break a single tooth! - Amanda, Permanently 23 via Twitter.
What nasty/funny/all-round scary shit did you have to find out for yourself when you were pregnant?
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