After 25 years on this Earth, 6 years of living with a man and countless observations, I am still unsure if women really do require an instruction manual or if there is one and men just don't know how to goddamn read it?
That's not to say that men don't often get it right. They do but I'm sure you've had first hand experience where they don't.
So in a gracious gesture to the opposite sex, I have whacked together a quick how-to guide for driving your woman crazy. With rage, not desire.
1. Sexually harass her every time she bends over. Do it while she's picking up the same toy off the floor for the 468th time, despite having asked devil spawn children to put the goddamn thing away at least ten times earlier. Yeahhhh, women love that!
2. Throw your dirty washing next to the basket instead of in the basket. Or better yet, just strip off in weird places and let your clothes fall to the floor. Nothing says I appreciate you more than dirty socks shoved under the lounge you know!
3. Tell her she looks beautiful while she's angry. Contrary to what Hollywood would have you believe, you say that and you are more likely to be rewarded with a punch in the junk than a uber emotional moment where she melts in your arms. Let her ride that anger and tell her she's beautiful once she's settled the fuck down.
4. Ask her how her day was then get distracted by something shiny or better yet, by boobs on the TV. Once upon a time she had fab boobs and she sacrificed them to give amazing child/ren so you can just sit there and listen to her complain about how those amazing child/ren drove her absolutely mental all day. YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE PAL!
5. Fall asleep immediately after sex and play the 21 gun salute with your bum. Total post-coital mood killer right there!
In the interest of helping your fellow man, what can you add to the list?
*Linking up with Diary of a SAHM's iBot, first meme I've joined in ages. Wooooo!