The house is still, the only sound is the sound of rain coming from my iPad in a fruitless attempt to lull me into slumber.
It's not going to happen though because I am stuck in this all anxiety inducing haze. It's over me, suffocating me, getting inside my head and poisoning my very thought.
It's the haze of self loathing.
Disgust in myself for my obvious inabilities to eat well and treat my body well.
Just a couple of days ago, I declared love for my body. That wasn't a lie, I do love my body so why am I filling it with shit?
Why do I get panicky when I think about giving up the Coke and coffee and baking and after 8pm sugar rampages?
Why can I not seem to just fucking do it?
This isn't even about weight or appearance.
This is about a lack of self control and quite possibly, self respect.
My Mum tells me to not say that I have no control because it is not something you want to put out into the universe. I want control, I want off this bullshit rollercoaster. I want normal.
... Fuck, some sleep would be nice too!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad