Friday, December 14, 2012

The Asshat Awards: Dear Cleo, Size 14-16 is not plus size.

Yo Cleo,

First off, congrats on your 40th birthday!

Admittedly, I haven't bought an issue since I was teenager, but I do on the occasion find a not too outdated copy of you at the doctors and have a squiz. I love that in ten years, your content still borders around blow jobs and celeb diets. Classy.

Anyway, I saw a link this morning on Ninemsn screaming "CLEO'S PLUS-SIZED NUDE FIRST" and an article discussing that as a part of your 40th birthday celebrations, you have featured your first female centrefold.

I had to have a look, because it sounded like a refreshing change from the bleach blonde, giant airbag breasted Playboy bunnies that come to mind when you think of the word 'centrefold'.

This is your model.

Image from here.

She is absolutely stunning, but at a Size 14-16, I do not consider her to be plus size.

By admission of your sister mag, Australian Woman's Weekly, Size 16 is the average size of the Australian woman.

The definition of average means:

av·er·age
/ˈav(ə)rij/
Noun
The result obtained by adding several quantities together and then dividing this total by the number of quantities; the mean.

I'm no mathematician (I distinctly remember writing notes to my friends in maths, and etching penises in the back cover of my textbook during maths) but the average is generally regarded as the medium, right? So why have you tried to sell this model out as a representation of Australia's larger woman, if she in fact the definition of the average?

DOES NOT COMPUTE, CLEO!

Have you considered the ramifications of heralding the average woman as 'plus size'? Have you considered maybe dropping the labels all together and just celebrating women in all our diversity?

Or were you too busy focusing on hair styles and abs and partying and bullshit?

Cleo, for Christmas, I hope Santa brings you a dictionary and maybe some depth so we can talk about more pressing things than how to guides on shit like "Be the girl he'll forget in bed" and "How to find out he's a cheat by the shape of his feet!"

My photoshop skills are lacking.
Schedeen, hurry up and make something I can use!
Fucking asshats.

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