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| Abi was introduced to the bottle over the weekend. She thought it was a toy, and I had to dump 75ml of liquid gold down the drain. Daaaamn. |
Today saw my return to work confirmed and marked on the calendar.
Two weeks time.
This is the first time that I've had to return, and not because I've wanted to so to say I'm shattered, is an absolute understatement.
With every inch of my being, I don't want to go.
My heart hurts when I think about it.
I've merely had to look at Abi since and I promptly burst into tears.
Oscar asked me what I was crying about and sobbed "I don't want to go back to work". I sounded like a whiny little shrew, I know.
To many, this probably sounds so overly dramatic but after bouts of broken sleep, post natal depression and reflux, Abi is the first baby I've enjoyed every moment of. She has not left my side for longer than maybe half an hour in her whole five months, and I have not wanted for that time away that I so desperately craved when Amelia and Oscar were babies.
So the very thought of essentially being forced to leave my sweet girl, well, it hurts.
I am not ready to leave her. I thought this would be something that would be done in our time.
I work at night so I will take comfort in knowing that she'll be in her home, with her Daddy and her brother and sister ... but right now, while it's all fresh and I'm all emo, it doesn't comfort me any.
There are mums who have no choice but to return to 40 hour working weeks. I don't have to do that either. Those girls have it a lot worse than I do, but I'm not taking any comfort right now in knowing that either.
I should have been more prepared for this. I should have. But the prospect of refinancing our mortgage had been on the cards, and I allowed that to lull me into a false sense of security. After weeks of agonising, waiting, hoping, we've been told that it's not possible and I now have a new loathing reserved for the banking industry and the fact that algorithms prevail over common fucking sense.
In any case, I'll have my cry today. When Ryan gets home tonight, I will smile for him and take it all in my stride because I know it's hurts him to know that I'm hurting about this.
And we'll get on with things, one foot in front of other.
It's the only choice we really have on this one x
