Holy shit Batman, I could talk about this shit until the cows come home but really, I'm beginning to bore even myself.
My ass. The ass. Food. Binge. Chocolate. Amelia asking me when am I going to stop looking like I have a baby in my tummy. You've heard it all before, I've heard it all before.
A fortnight of riding the oh so draining cycle of binge eating, skipping meals to compensate and then beating myself up senseless over it, I'm kinda done.
I don't want to regal the internets with amazing pledges and promises because I just can't. Who wants to publically break out with vows and pledges, and then fall down and fail? And as much as I'd like to console myself with the fact that at least I continue getting back up and not giving up, the fact that this latest binge brought a 1.5kg of fat with it tells me that cottonwooling the issue is doing me no favours.
At 169cm, I weigh in at 84kg. For those of you playing at home, that is a gain of 16kg in the 8 months that have followed Abi's birth last July. 16. I can't even think of something witty to cover up how alarming that is.
But do you know what's even worse about weight gain and the ensuing self loathing? Not fucking doing anything about it, and continuing to wallow and bang on to all and sundry about how you need to do something ... and you know, not actually doing anything.
According to Mish Bridges' BMR calculator, my body burns around the 1643 mark each day based on my height, weight and age.
Based on my weight, height and age, My Fitness Pal tells me that I can consume 1500kj each day and lose around a kilo per week.
= -153 calorie deficit/day
Given the fact that I'm still feeding Abi 6-7 times a day, I'm hesitant to shave that number down.
So, this is my new norm. Bring it.
Do you know what the real kicker for me is though? I took a few photos to document my body as it looks today.
Besides the initial shock that I am boasting some back cleavage there, it's not as bad as I envision it in my head. So why do I feel much heavier and unattractive? Hmm. That seems to be a complete (and trickier) kettle of fish altogether.
P.S: You know I love comments and all that shiz, but please don't with the "But you look good" comments. I don't mean to sound like an asshole, and I know you say it with the absolute of best intentions but I'm not sharing this sorta stuff for validation or compliments. More I'm musing outloud ... and maybe trying to convince myself to stick it out and keep digging xx